By Danielle Glaze
I can’t begin to tell you how many TIMES my husband and I have been asked this question. After almost ten years of marriage, people look at us dumbfounded as to why we “haven’t gotten started yet”. Because, ya know… it never crossed our mind.
I get it. People are curious. Having children seems like the natural progression of relationships – a marker in the grand scheme of a couple’s lives. Here are a few reasons ( in no particular order ) why people we know think we should have kids…
You’re not getting any younger Who’s going to care for you when you’re old? Why wouldn’t you have kids? You’d be selfish not to. Come onnnnnn. Do ITTTTT! You guys would have the cutest kids! Children are a blessing. Don’t deprive yourself or us of it. You’ll regret it if you don’t. You should go for it! You’d have all the support you need. Wait… You don’t have kids? (hilarious laughter) Yeah, you guys should do it. You don’t want to be old and lonely
Apparently, if I choose not to or can’t physically have a child I will be a lonely, selfish, old woman without any means of supporting myself and a mountain of regrets.
While I know many people question a couple’s intention of building a family out of genuine curiosity, others project their hopes, aspirations, and fears onto my uterus and demand a response and sometimes a promise that, honestly, I cannot guarantee nor am I willing to give. I am conscience of the struggles that many face when trying to conceive. My heart aches for you. I am aware that not all methods of conceiving are the same, that just thinking about bringing a human into the world is not a matter to be taken lightly, that my body is mine and that I will choose whether I will try to get pregnant or not, that words can be like swords and that I should be mindful how I use them especially when referencing personal situations such as this.
My husband and I have never tried to conceive and neither of us are “ready”. I’ve experienced uterine issues in the past so don’t know if I will physically be able to conceive when the time is right for us. It could just happen and we’d embrace it with open arms. I could struggle and have to seek alternative methods. I could struggle and we could decide to stop our journey, and I’d live my life as wonderfully complex as I always have. I could just say NO to kids. Ultimately, whatever we decide will be a decision that we can live with. While I feel comfortable expressing this to you, many don’t. Who has the time? Who should have to? After all, IT’S PERSONAL.
If it’s not your body, I implore you – Do not ask if someone is looking to start or expand their family unless they’ve invited the discussion. An unwelcome question can ruin an entire day… an entire week. You don’t know their struggle so don’t make an assumption that could trigger pain unbeknownst to you. Do you know how awkward it is for someone to repeatedly press an individual about their fertility and then give a ridiculous “Ohhhhh. I’m sorryyyy (Insert cringe face here)” when they realize it isn’t in the cards for that family? And let’s not discuss “Krazy Karen” who will give you fifty reasons why you should have kids when you know full well you don’t want any. Make them yourself KAREN.
I’d like to think that the love of my friends and family is not dependent on whether or not I’m capable of or choose to poop out a child. Everyone else is just gravy. If I’ve just met you, and you ask “When are you guys having kids?” I’ll most likely just smile and say… “We’re not ready yet.” And when you insist that we should start now, I’ll say “Remind me to send you the bill when I do.”
With Love,
Danielle